


it's like barbed wire, this crucial touch

by reamuntada



Category: Football RPF
Genre: (midly), AU, Domestic Violence, Dubious Consent, Extremely Dubious Consent, M/M, Mentions of Violence, Panic Attacks, mentions of others but they're not really in it so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-03-22 02:15:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3711055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reamuntada/pseuds/reamuntada
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time that it happens, Sergio's absolutely dumbstruck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> So I wasn't actually going to post this off anon, but I figured I might as well. I'm not sure about this (I've not really written anything like this before), so comments, feedback, suggestions, literally _anything_ would be so massively appreciated! Also thank you to the lovely anons over at footballkink2 on Livejournal for encouraging me to post it and just being great in general!  
>  -  
> Trigger warning for domestic abuse.  
> The title is from Waiting In The Shadows In The Dead Of Night by Little Comets.

The first time that it happens, Sergio stares at Fernando, absolutely dumbstruck. Fernando's eyes are wide, his hand still raised. Sergio gingerly raises his own hand to his stinging cheek, mouth still hanging open in shock. They stare at each other for a few more seconds, and then Sergio grabs his jacket and rushes out the door, ignoring Fernando calling after him.  
When he comes back, its late. He'd almost expected the lights to be off, for Fernando to be asleep, almost wanted it so that he wouldn't have to deal with what happened. He gets this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach when he see the living room light peeking our from behind the curtain. He swallows hard and pulls his jacket tighter around him, staring at the front door. When he finally decides to go in, his hands are shaking so much it takes him a few tries to slip the key into the lock.  
He hangs his jacket up quietly and heads straight upstairs. He's already stripped down to his boxes and slipped under the covers before he hears a gentle knock on the bedroom door. Fernando ducks his head round the door sheepishly. Sergio doesn't even turn over.  
"Serg..." He begins softly, voice apologetic. "Baby?"  
When the Sevillian doesn't answer, Fernando tentatively slides under the covers next to him. He flinches when Sergio edges away, curling in on himself.  
"I'm so sorry, baby. I- I didn't mean to do that, I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have gotten so mad. I wasn't mad at you though, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'll never do it again baby, promise. Just, say something, say you forgive me. Please."  
Sergio exhales shakily, muscles relaxing slightly. Fernando shifts closer to the younger man, placing a gentle kiss on the top of his head. Sergio nods slowly. Fernando sighs in relief.  
"God, thank you, I was so. I love you so much Sese, I do -"  
"Not again, though?"  
He doesn't mean for it to, but it sounds like a question and his voice is shaking.  
"No no, never again baby, never." Fernando replies quickly, stroking the Sevillian's hair, one arm wrapping around him. "won't hurt you baby, promise I won't."  
Sergio bites his lips but nods again, lets himself melt back into Fernando's arms and into an uneasy sleep.

**

It starts like this:

_Sergio Ramos García is born and raised in Camas, Sevilla. He is, in general, a happy child; he does well in school, helps his mother in the house, goes to church every Sunday with her and his brother._  
_He's 15 when he meets Jesús, a beautiful boy with piercing blue eyes and a quiet voice, and he falls head over heels for him. He tries not to think about what the priest at his church says, about how its sinful and wrong, because how can someone as wonderful as Jesús be a sin?  
Five months later, Jesús's father catches them kissing in his bedroom and bans him from seeing Sergio. There's a lot of yelling, and Sergio runs home when Jesús's father slaps him for talking back. He locks himself in his room and doesn't tell his mamá or René anything. Jesús moves schools a week later, and Sergio throws himself into music._

_When he's 19, René catches him in a nightclub with a guy called Dani, dancing too close, hands on each others hips. He drags Sergio away, calls him all the names under the sun, biting words that make him feel sick and helpless, just like Jesús's father all those years before. They don't talk much after that, can hardly be in the same room and the barely concealed disgust on his brother's face is almost too much for Sergio to handle. He lands a job working for a record label nearly a month later and jumps at the chance to leave._

**

The next time it happens, there's no apologizing.

They're out at a bar, Fernando and Sergio and some friends of his from the label, and Sergio can tell they're going to be feeling the effects of this tomorrow, but hey, it's a celebration; they've just sealed a massive deal and everyone's super excited.  
And okay, one of the guys, Pipita, maybe he's a little too friendly, but he's an affectionate drunk, they all know this, so Sergio just laughs and lets him wrap an arm around his waist and sing along drunkenly to whatever song is playing. It isn't until he catches Fernando staring at them from where he's talking with Xabi and smiles that he even thinks anything of it. Fernando doesn't smile back, but looks them both up and down before saying a quick goodbye to Xabi and storming straight out of the bar.  
Sergio shoots Xabi a confused look, who just holds his hands up with a shrug, then unwinds (a now barely standing) Pipita from him and chases after his boyfriend.  
He catches up to him outside, just as he's about to get into a taxi. Sergio slides in the back. Fernando looks round, eyebrows raised.  
"Oh. I was under the impression you'd rather be wrapped around Higuaín than coming home with me."  
Sergio opens his mouth the protest, because _what the fuck, that's not fair_ , but Fernando raises his hand to silence him. "Don't. We'll talk about it at home."

When they get home, there's less talking than Sergio expects. There's yelling though, Fernando spitting the ugliest words he knows at Sergio, slapping him hard enough to make him stumble into the kitchen counter when he tries to defend himself and Pipita. It feels painfully familiar, but this time he can't run back to his old room, back at his mamá's house, and when he thinks of the disgust on René's face, he doesn't want to.

*

The third time is really the seventh.  
Fernando's developed a habit for coming home drunk of late, and it's not that Sergio doesn't like a drink now and again, but he'd learnt pretty quickly that Fernando can be a pretty nasty drunk.

It's late when he does finally stumble in. Sergio's in the kitchen , sitting at the counter with a magazine, headphones blasting flamenco music, completely immersed in it. Fernando moves unsteadily towards him and clumsily wraps his arms around his lover, pulling out one of the headphones. Sergio jumps at the sudden contact, half turning in his chair.  
"Hey baby" Fernando slurs. His breath is heavy with alcohol and Sergio wrinkles his nose.  
"Hi," he starts nervously. He doesn't like Fernando being drunk, it makes him uncomfortable. The older man starts kissing along his jawline, sucking on his neck. Sergio squirms in his grasp, trying to get away.  
"I, er. I was just going to bed, Fer," he stammers. Fernando tightens his grip. "Sounds good baby," he pants against Sergio's neck.  
Sergio pulls out of Fernando's grip and tries to move away, but fins himself being pushed back against the counter, Fernando kissing him hard. He tries to push the older man back, but Fernando grabs his wrists painfully, holding him in place. Sergio turns his head away.  
"Fer, please. I just want to go to bed." His voice is weak, scared, and Fernando ignores him, slipping his hands under the younger mans shirt instead. Sergio pushes back again, but Fernando doesn't give him an inch.  
"Stop fucking struggling," he hisses, pressing him harder against the counter. "I know you fucking want this, so stop playing hard to get."  
Sergio shakes his head, trying to fight against Fernando's grip, panic taking over him. The counter top is digging into his back hard, and he whimpers in pain.  
"Fucking stop it!" Fernando yells, his fist colliding with Sergio's cheek. He's too drunk to be coordinated though, and his fist drags harshly across Sergio's face. He's wearing a ring - the one Sergio got him on their anniversary - and Sergio feels the scratch of it across his cheekbone. He forces the Sevillian round and pushes his head against the counter, pulling at his clothes. 

It's quick and rough and painful, and when Fernando's finished, he stumbles up the stairs and leaves Sergio sobbing quietly on the kitchen floor.

**

_He's not even been in Madrid for a week when he decides its his favourite place in the world. His boss, Iker, keeps them working hard, but its only because he's a perfectionist, and when it comes to music, Sergio's totally on board with that. The whole team he works with are great, actually, and he knows how lucky he is to get to be with these people all the time. He doesn't really talk about his personal life with them much, despite the almost disturbing lack of boundaries some of them have (he's heard about some of Marcelo's...exploits in far too much detail, thank you very much). He likes these people far too much to put himself on the line, even though he's pretty sure they wouldn't care._  
_He settles in quickly - the music, the city, the people, he loves it all and it almost feels like he's been here all his life. He's more comfortable than he thought he would be._  
_He's been there about three months when Marcelo and Cris finally manage to drag him out and insist on getting him **completely plastered**. He ends up kissing some random guy, leaning up against the bar of some club and it feels so fucking good just to actually kiss someone again that he doesn't even really register that he's in full view of his colleagues (his **friends** , for gods sake) until he hears Pipita (and seriously, when did Pipita even show up?) whooping.  
He pulls away quickly, suddenly feeling very sober and very, very trapped. He steels himself for what he's sure is coming, the disgust and anger and sick, hurtful words. Instead, Marcelo meets his eyes and winks at him, and Cris grins obnoxiously, giving him a thumbs up, and not for the first time, Sergio is so fucking thankful to know these people._

_(He doesn't go home with the guy, but he does kiss him a while longer, and when he comes in on Monday morning, no one treats him any different, and he can't help the burst of something in his chest that he can't quite label.)_

**

Iker's the first one who recognises that something is wrong. Its only small things to begin with - Sergio is less sure of himself, less quick to put ideas forward during meetings. Even when he was new to the group, he was full of suggestions and not shy about his own creative abilities. Now, Iker notices, he zones out in meetings more often than he comments, always seems distracted. He doesn't say anything at first, but the longer it goes on, the more changes Iker can see - where before Sergio was always on time, early even, now he slides in just about on time, looking like he's barely slept. He shrinks away from a hand on his neck, an arm around his shoulders, and he always jumps whenever anyone's phone goes off. No one else comments on it though, and he wonders if he's the only one spotting it. Because yeah, if he's honest, he's paid a little closer attention to Sergio than is strictly necessary, but there's something about the younger man that pulls him in.  
Still, Iker doesn't approach him until the day he comes into work thirty minutes late with a deep bruise across his cheekbone.

*

Sergio's glad that he'll probably be the only one in his department today, expect for maybe an intern. Most of the group are off scouting some new talent, James something, this Colombian kid living in France, so they'll be gone for a couple of days. He was supposed to be going as well, but Fernando hadn't been keen on it, so. He glances at himself in the rear-view mirror again, wincing when he sees the dark bruise, shutting his eyes against the memory of Fernando yelling, of his fist colliding with the Sergio's face.  
He takes several deep breaths, trying to calm himself before finally getting out of the car and going inside, head down. He can see a light on in their office at the end of the corridor, and prays to whatever god he can think of that it is only an intern, and not Xabi or Fábio or, god forbid, Iker, because he's so late, and he doesn't think he can cope being yelled at, not this morning.  
He pushes the door open, and breathes a sigh of relief that its empty. He drops his bag at his desk, resting his head against the cool wood of his desk, trying to build himself up to start working. He tenses when he hears the door swing open, and curses under his breath when he realises its Iker, hears his familiar greeting. He forces himself to look up, bracing himself for Iker to yell at him for being so late, for not even bothering to let them know he would be.  
It doesn't some though. Iker stops abruptly when he sees Sergio's face.  
"Shit, Sese, what happened?" Iker asks hurriedly, rushing over to his desk. He cups the younger man's jaw with his hand, angling his face to get a better look at the damage. Sergio bats his hand away, standing up and pulling away from him. He busies himself with some papers from his bag, just to give himself an excuse to avoid Iker's eyes.  
"Oh, it's nothing", he shrugs lamely, digging in his bag for a pen. He can feel Iker's eyes still on him, can feel the weight of his worry and it makes him want to cry. Sergio breathes in deeply and forces himself to meet Iker's gaze.  
"I got in a fight with some guy at a bar last night." It's the story he's already planned out, rehearsed in his head the whole way to work, but with the way Iker's looking at him, laying him bare, the lie trips clumsily off his tongue. Iker raises his eyebrows, looking skeptical. Sergio looks away, knowing he can't look convincing.  
"You should see the other guy" he jokes, but it falls flat. Iker's standing too close, listening too well. He can hear the way Sergio's voice cracks a little, can see the briefest flash of shame across his features before he forces up a fake smile. Iker opens his mouth to call him out on it, to demand the truth, when the door clatters open and a couple of interns, Isco and Álvaro wander in, arguing loudly about Real's game the night before. Sergio turns away and mumbles something about using the bathroom before practically running out of the room. The interns look between Iker and the door, awkwardly wondering what they've interrupted. Iker frowns after Sergio, but doesn't follow him. 

Sergio doesn't come back to the office after that. Iker gets a text half an hour later saying that he's gone home sick, but he doesn't answer his phone when Iker calls.

He doesn't come in the next day either, and Iker only finds out he won't be when Isco mentions offhandedly that he'd overheard Carlo saying that Sergio had the flu and wouldn't be back until Monday. Iker texts and calls him all day but never gets a reply, and he can't shake the horrible sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach whenever he thinks about him.

**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm sorry for being the worst updater that has ever been, I'm actually trash when it comes to this! Thank you all for lovely comments last chapter, especially Half_Fallen \- you literally reminded me to update this, so I guess this chapter can be for you? This chapter is just gonna be flashbacks because I need something fluffy (or fluffier) right now, so I'm sorry? But I'm done with school so I can update more (I HOPE). As before, comments are so massively appreciated! Anyways, here it is, enjoy!

_A few months in and Sergio's more than settled. He's got into a really great rhythm at work - he's good at what he does and he loves it. For the first time in as long as he can remember, he's **happy** , with his life and himself._

_When Christmas rolls around, he starts getting nervous. He knows his mamá expects him to go home and he does want to, he misses her so much, but. The thought of seeing his brother, of risking the comfort he's found in Madrid, makes him feel sick._

_He finally bites the bullet three days before he's supposed to be heading back down to Sevilla. His mother calls him when he's on his lunch break, sitting in some little cafe with Iker as they usually do. Sergio apolgises before he answers, but Iker just waves it away, heading to the bathroom._  
_He lets her talk a little, about how excited she is to have her little boy home and how she can't wait to hear all about Madrid properly and Sergio knows he should stop her but she just sounds so **excited** and he doesn't want to make her sad. He takes a deep breath._  
_"Mamá?" He says quietly, interrupting her going on about how she's going to make him rosquitas when he gets home, because she knows they're his favourite._  
_"What's wrong, darling?" she replies, tone instantly worried. He drags a hand through his hair, looking down, unsure how to phrase it._  
_"I can't. I won't be able to come back for Christmas." On the other end of this line, his mother goes quiet. He can hear her breathing, and he knows she's upset._  
_"Why?" She sounds heartbroken, and he hates it._

Because my brother hates me, _he thinks._ Because my own brother can't look me in the face and I can't spend two weeks with him pretending that that's okay.

  
_Instead he says "I have to work."_

 _His mother seems skeptical. "On Christmas? Surely you won't be working on Christmas, Sergio, it's a time to be with **family**_."  
_"I know, but-"_  
_"And what about the other people you work with? Didn't you say only last week that the French boy you work with, Karim was it?" Her voice is getting louder as she gets more upset, and Sergio is so glad she can't see him, because he knows he looks so guilty. "You said you took him to the airport to go home just a few days ago. If he can go, why can't you?"_  
_"I know, mamá, I'm so sorry. It's just. I have a lot of work, I'm, I'm a little behind on some projects and I need to have everything done going into next year, so Iker's making me stay." She doesn't reply, so he keeps talking._  
_"I should have told you sooner, I know, but I kept hoping that I'd be able to make it, but. But I won't, I'm. I'm sorry, I." She sighs, and Sergio can tell she's holding back tears._  
_"It's okay, Sergio, I was just looking forward to having you home for a little while. Your brother and I haven't seen you in months, and we miss you."_ Yeah right, _Sergio thinks,_ he doesn't miss me at all.  
_"I understand though," she continues. "Just, promise you'll come and visit soon? I miss you a lot." She sounds so hopeful, and even though Sergio knows he'll put it off for as long as possible, he still agrees. When the phone call is finally over, he rests his head against the table, suddenly exhausted._

 _"You aright Sese?" Iker asks, making Sergio jump._  
_"Yeah, yeah, fine." He says, flashing a brief smile. Iker raises his eyebrows, but doesn't push._  
_"Who was that then?" He's trying to be casual, but he knows he can never quite pull it off. Sergio sighs heavily._  
_"My mom." Iker tilts his head, confused at how a call from his mother had made Sergio so sad._  
_"You two don't get on?" Sergio shakes his head._  
_"No. I mean, yeah, we do its just. I'm not going home from Christmas. She's not happy about it."_  
_"Oh."_  
_"Yeah. Its. She'll get over it, it doesn't matter." Iker frowns, still confused._  
_"Why aren't you going home?" Sergio looks away, uncomfortable, and Iker brushes a hand along the younger man's arm._  
_"It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Sergio shakes his head again._  
_"No, no. Its just my brother. He doesn't like that I'm." He stops suddenly, unsure. "We don't get along" He says finally._  
_Iker nods thoughtfully, hand still rubbing comforting circles on Sergio's arm._  
_"That sucks. It must be hard, being so far away from everyone else though." Sergio nods because yeah, it is. Being so far away from his family, from the people he grew up with, is so difficult. Sergio blinks back tears, standing up abruptly._  
_"Yeah. But it's okay. Come on, we should head back now."_  
_"We've still got some time-" Iker starts, but Sergio's already halfway to the door, so he gives up for now and follows him back to work._

*

_Sergio calls his mom early on Christmas morning and she cries on the phone. He makes his excuses when she offers the phone to René, and cries when he hangs up, feeling pathetic and alone. He buries himself under blankets after that, determined that he's not leaving the sofa for the rest of the day._

_That idea is disrupted somewhat around noon, when someone knocks insistently on his door. It’s Iker, wrapped up in a thick jacket, cheeks flushed adorably from the wind. Sergio steps back to let him in, surprised by his arrival._

_"What's up?" He asks, watching the older man toe of his shoes. Iker smiles at the Sevillian, pulling his jacket off._  
_"Just wanted to stop by and say merry Christmas. And to see if you have any plans today. So. Merry Christmas. Do you have plans?" Sergio shrugs, heading into the kitchen._  
_"Not really. Want some coffee?" He shouts after him, pulling two cups of out his cupboard._  
_"Sure." Iker answers, pulling up a chair. "So you're not doing anything then?" Sergio shrugs again, passing Iker his cup._  
_"Nah. I called my mom before. Thought I might try and get some of the paperwork I've been avoiding done or something." Iker looks at the younger man, concerned._  
_"You mean you're going to be alone all day?"_  
_Sergio takes a long sip, nodding._  
_"Yeah, I guess. None of my family live round here, so. It's okay though."_

 _Iker's phone goes off and he pulls it out of his pocket, throwing an apologetic look towards Sergio._  
_"Sorry, it's my mom. She wants to know what time I'll be over for dinner."_  
_It's quiet for a minute or so, save for Iker tapping out a reply._

 _"Sorry about that, I told her -" He's cut off by his phone again, a call this time. Sergio gestures at him to answer it with a small smile._  
_"Hi mamá, I just sent you a message. No, everything's fine, I'm just going to be a little late. I'm just visiting a friend." Iker angles himself away a little, fingers tapping out a rhythm on his knee. Sergio smiles at the habit, something he's noticed Iker always does when he's on the phone. He starts to zone out a little, thinking about the phone call he had with his own mother that morning. It broke his heart, hearing her cry, and he feels another crushing wave of guilt. He shakes his head, trying to push it back down._  
_"Okay mom. Okay, I will. Alright, see you soon. Love you too." Iker smiles at Sergio as he hangs up._ _"Sorry about that."_

_Sergio waves his hand._ _“Don’t worry about it, its fine.” Iker nods, then stands up._

_“Right, you better get ready.”_  
_Sergio just stares at him, confused. “What? Why?” Iker looks at him, eyebrows raised._  
_“My mom’s expecting us in an hour, and I’m not taking you to my parent’s house until you shower.”_  
_“Your mom?” Sergio’s still lost, moving easily when Iker starts herding him towards the bathroom. “What?”_  
_“I told my mom you were alone for Christmas, and she insisted I bring you to dinner.” Iker explains patiently, a small smile playing on his lips. Sergio opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to find something to say, but his throat is suddenly dry._

 _“I. Iker, you. You don’t have to, its fine –“_  
_“Did you really think I was going to let you spend Christmas on your own Sese?” Iker asks gently. “I know you couldn’t go to your family, and it’s not the same, but. You still shouldn’t spend it on your own.”_  
_“But -"_  
_“No buts, Sese. I already told my mom you were coming. Besides, I want you to meet my brother Unai. You’re going to love him. But first,” Iker says, giving him a soft push into the bathroom. “Shower. I’ll wait in the living room.”_

 

 _Dinner at Iker’s is fun, actually. Sergio had been worried that he’d feel like an outsider, like someone intruding on some intimate affair, but Iker’s family are as warm and welcoming as the man himself. The food is amazing, and he finds himself laughing along with Iker’s dad’s jokes and listening intently to stories Iker’s mom tells of him and Unai as kids_ (“-and he brought that bird home with him, said he just **couldn’t** leave it there injured! He made you help him look after it until it was better, remember José? Oh, it was **adorable**!”). _He helps Unai and Iker clear the dishes away after, smiling at the pair of them bickering like children. Iker catches him watching and stops, blushing. Sergio blushes too, unable to stop himself smiling. He opens his mouth to say something,_ thank you for inviting me _, maybe, or_ you’re family are amazing _, or even_ **you** are amazing _, but Unai uses the distraction to whip Iker with his tea towel, and the moments lost._

_(Later, when Iker drives him home, Sergio’s still smiling. He doesn’t know how to put into words how much he appreciates what Iker did for him today, doesn’t really know how to thank him, so he pulls him into a bone crushing hug before his gets out of the car. Iker’s smiling when he pulls away, so he thinks that he gets it anyway.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :) Sorry it's not as long as I'd hoped, I'm working on it!
> 
>  
> 
> (and also formatting this will actually be the death of me, I swear I send as long doing that as I do writing the damn thing)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI
> 
> I'M SO SO SORRY THAT I TOTALLY SUCK. This update has been a long time coming, but I've been dealing with some really really shitty personal stuff, and I honestly couldn't face doing even basic stuff, let alone writing and updating. I know its a rubbish excuse and I'm awful for it, but I guess that's all there is :(  
> But anyway, here it is, and it's for the wonderful awesome super cool [amadridlover](http://archiveofourown.org/users/amadridlover/pseuds/amadridlover) for actualy caring about me updating this, even though I've been a pretty shitty buddy in the last few months! <3  
> I will try and update more, but until I'm in a better place, I want to be clear that updates will be slow, and I'm really sorry about that.
> 
> Also I'll be honest, the flashback part feels a little drawn out and idk I'm not really happy with it but I figured I'd just go with it? Idk!
> 
> Anyways, here it is!

Sergio turns off his phone as soon as he leaves. He's shaking badly by the time he makes it to the car, can feel the panic rising, but all he can think about is getting away from there, from Iker. He's only really half aware of where he's going, working completely on autopilot.

He doesn't come back to himself until he's parked up outside his house. He feels vaguely like he should be worried that he can't for the life of him remember the journey home, but all he can think about is the way Iker was looking at him, like he was breakable, like he _cared_ , like he -

Sergio swallows hard, and takes a deep breath. Pain flares in his chest, making his vision swim for a moment. He knows that really, he should have gone to the hospital after Fernando had stormed out last night, the way that the pain in his chest made it difficult to keep breathing, but he just couldn't bring himself to go, didn’t want to see the way they'd look at him, like they knew.

He's not a victim. He's _not_ , he just. He needs to be better, smarter, just has to remember not to be so stupid and useless, remember how lucky he is that he has someone like Fernando because he _loves_ him, he does, and he knows he deserves what he gets, so.

 

 

*

 

He loses track of time for a while, but when he eventually makes it inside, he's still kind of out of it. Sergio tries to pull himself together as best he can, but it's a struggle. He makes himself clean the kitchen, even though it hurts when he moves too much. Anything to distract himself from thinking about the way Iker looked at him, to stop him wondering if any of them know, what really happened. It makes him feel sick to think about. He knows he couldn’t handle the way they’d look at him, the _pity_ , they way they’d pretend like they _understood_ , and he forces himself to think of anything else. He loves his job, his friends, so much. He doesn’t even want to consider leaving.

 

 

(He knows he would though, if it came to it. If Fernando told him, forced him to choose, his work or him –

 

He doesn’t think about it.)

 

*

 

Fernando comes home when Sergio’s halfway through making dinner. He’s early, or earlier than Sergio had anticipated, and he seems to be in a good mood. He’s calm and attentive, all gentle kisses and soft smiles, and it sets Sergio on edge. He never really knows how to deal with Fernando’s mood swings. He wants to enjoy it because the gentleness is so rare nowadays and he loves it when Fernando’s like this. He forces himself to relax as Fernando settles himself on the sofa, tugging at Sergio’s wrist to pull him down with him, arranging the younger man so Fernando can card his fingers through his hair.

Sergio comes round sometime later. He's not really sure what woke him, but he's curled up against Fernando's chest, the older man still wrapped around him. He's fast asleep, and Sergio takes a moment to just admire him. He looks so much gentler asleep, all freckles and softness. He's more like the man Sergio fell in love with, the one that made Sergio feel safe and cared for, like something precious. It hasn't been like that recently, not for longer than Sergio would like to admit really. He frowns, stroking his fingertips across Fernando's face, tracing the line of freckles on his cheek. He can't really remember when things changed, when Fernando was less quiet kindness and more sharp, biting words. It was gradual, he thinks, because he feels like he can't pin it down as a specific point. It's his fault, he knows it, because he works a lot, because he's not around all the time Fernando wants him to be, but he can't bring himself to give up his job. 

He remembers what Fernando had said when they first moved in together, how much he'd tried to pressure Sergio into quitting, how he felt like it was a slap in the face that Sergio didn't think he could provide everything that they needed. He thinks if he really wants to point to the moment things started to change, it would be then. The fight they'd had about it, the stinging slap from Fernando. He winces, and pull his hand back sharply, shoving the memory down. He loves Fernando, he does, and its his fault that things have been so hard, it _is,_ and he couldn't  _cope_ without him, Fernando told him so, so it must be -

He jolts when he feels hands on his face, almost falling off the couch. He's worked himself up so much that between the panic and the pain, he can barely breathe. He feels like he's dying, drowning and suffocating all at once, but then Fernando's there, stroking his hair, talking quietly into his ear.

"Hey, hey, it's okay baby, I've got you. You're okay, just breathe for me, that's it, you can do it. Come on, deep breath for me, you're doing so good."

He keeps it up, gently coaching him until he's breathing almost normal again, finally pulling him back into a hug. Sergio clings on to him like he really will die if he lets go. He hasn't had a panic attack in a while, and he feels drained, completely emptied out. He feels pathetic.

He presses himself closer to Fernando, burying his head in his neck and wondering how he would even survive if Fernando had enough of him. 

 

*

 

_The nights out with the guys from his work are pretty frequent, and the longer Sergio spends with them the more he comes out of his shell. He loves it, loves them, and it seems almost a lifetime ago that he was so unsure of their friendship._

_It’s on one of these nights that he meets Fernando for the first time. He’s_ _drunk, but they all are, and they’re so happy that they don’t really want to stop and go home. There had been more of them at the start of the night, but its late now, and it’s just Sergio, Cris and Pipita left. They’re standing at the bar, all three of them, when Cris leans in to whisper-shout in Sergio’s ear._

_“That guy next to you can’t stop looking man.” Sergio glances to his left and spots the man, and then rolls his eyes, shaking his head at Cris. He’s handsome, the stranger, tall and strong with blond hair that looks unbelievably soft. He is, in short, exactly Sergio’s type, but there’s no way he after Sergio._

_“More likely he’s into you,” Sergio slurs. “You’ve got the whole Greek god thing going on” He says, gesturing in a way that’s supposed to mean_ you could literally be carved out of marble _but is more sort of_ hey look, you have a body!

_Both Cris and Pipita burst into laughter at that, doubled over, and Sergio grins at them, seemingly pleased with the reaction. He starts laughing too, caught in the moment, and he’s completely unaware of Pipita reaching out and giving him a little shove._

_A little shove, right into the handsome man, and making him spill his drink down his shirt._

_Sergio blushes bright red, turning to stammer out apologies whilst glancing back to his friends who, of course, are laughing like fucking children._

_“I am. Oh my god, I’m so sorry for these idiots, I didn’t mean to – here, let me. I’ll get you another drink –“_

_The stranger waves him off, patting down his shirt with a paper napkin._

_“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” The stranger says, offering Sergio a small smile. “It’s not a big deal. I don’t even like this shirt.” He insists, when Sergio opens his mouth to protest. Sergio nods reluctantly, and gives a last apology before turning back to his friends. He’s about to drag them both away, still giggling, because he is absolutely_ mortified _, when the stranger taps him on the shoulder._

_“If you want to pay me back, could I maybe have your number?” He asks, smiling almost shyly. “I’m Fernando, by the way.”_

_Sergio stares at him mutely for a few seconds, because_ what. _This man is gorgeous and cute and Sergio had ruined his shirt and he actually wants to – what? Take him out, hook up?_

_When he doesn’t reply, Fernando starts to look a little unsure, like he regrets asking, but then Cris elbows Sergio in the side, and the Sevillian nods dumbly._

_“Uh, yeah, yeah. You can have it.” He says, taking Fernando’s phone and typing it in. Fernando smiles like he’s been given something amazing, warm and bright._

_“Thanks. I’ll call you...?” He asks, and Sergio just nods again, before realising Fernando is asking for his name._

_“Oh, uh. I’m, uh, Sergio.” He answers, cursing his total lack of game. Fernando doesn’t seem to mind though; he’s still smiling, anyway._

_“Sergio.” He says, like he’s testing the name in his mouth. “Okay. I’ll call you then. See you later, Sergio.”_

_Sergio nods again and gives a small smile before heading to the exit with Cris and Pipita in tow, trying desperately to focus on not falling over his own feet on the way, just in case Fernando is still looking._

_*_

_He wakes up the next morning to three texts; one each from Pipita and Cris, asking if he feels like death (which, for the record, he_ absolutely _does), and one from a number he doesn’t recognise, the latter being what had woken him._

_11:32 Hey, it was nice to meet you last night. I was wondering if you’d like to maybe meet up for a coffee sometime?_

_Sergio reads it a couple of times, coming up blank with who the message is from. And then another message comes through._

_11:35 It’s Fernando btw. You gave me your number last night._

_And then Sergio remembers the gorgeous man and spilling his drink down him and being generally an embarrassment with his inability to be in any way smooth. He buries his head under the covers for a few minutes, before resurfacing with a sigh and dragging himself to the shower._

_He feels mildly better when he gets out, much more ready to handle the idea of replying to Fernando. He mulls it over for a few more minutes, before deciding to ask Cris for advice. It’s only when he presses send the he realises with absolute horror that he’s not actually sent it to Cris, but to Fernando._

_12:17 **cris the hot guy from last night wants to meet up what do i do**_

_12:17 **omg that wasn’t meant for you please ignore that im so embarrassing**_

_He gets a reply almost instantly._

_12:19 I mean, I think you should say yes personally._

_12:19 I hear he thinks the mis-sent text thing is actually kind of adorable_

_12:20 and that he’s hot ;)_

_Sergio laughs at that, feeling slightly more at ease. They agree to meet up after work the next day, and spend most of the time leading up to it texting each other anyway._

_(When Sergio goes into work in the morning with a dopey grin on his face, having spent half the night (and most of the morning already) messaging him, Pipita and Cris make gagging noises and kissy faces at him in equal measure, but they both seem pleased for him really, so he can’t bring himself to care. He thinks he probably owes them a thank you for it anyway, not that he’ll tell them that.)_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I'm sorry if it really sucked.


End file.
